he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
