3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
