lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
