remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
