Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
