you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
