apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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