So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
