So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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