I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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