I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
