shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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