just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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