you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
