I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
