would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
