Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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