I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
