Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
