If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm really busy with my period
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