Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize