i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
