that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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