my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
