You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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