Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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