I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just want to make out with him forever
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize