Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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