Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize