My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
