I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
