i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
