I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
