Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
