Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
