Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
