I have demons in me.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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