I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
