I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
