i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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