i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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