I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize