My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
