Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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