my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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