I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
did i just pee glitter
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