You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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