I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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