i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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