i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
