The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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