you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
