We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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