On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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