alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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