oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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