I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
