omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
