So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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