Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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