was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
