Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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