matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
