There was a lot of him and a little penis
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
